So here I am. A young twenty something, awkwardly ambitious and introverted, sitting in my messy apartment after a few days of coming to terms. Coming to terms with the loss of my job, the cruel awakening to the realization that people are mean and CEO’s usually have secret agendas.
I lost my job after 6 months, and apparently it wasn’t due to lack of investor funding, it was because I was simply bad at it. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant now, I don’t work there anymore. I’m better for it, anyways. I just have to figure out what to do with all this time.
I decided that diving back into the world of modern wage slavery wasn’t a good idea. If I resent the workforce now I can’t image how I’d feel starting at the bottom again after I worked so long and hard trying to crawl my way up and out. Time off is an obvious necessity, and I am fortunate enough to be in a financial position where that is an option, though barely.
I guess now I have no excuse not to do all those things I’d been wanting to do but didn’t have the time or energy for while I was working. Painting, meditating, writing music, doing yoga, traveling, visiting friends, reading, you know, finding myself.
There’s a lot of hype about people finding themselves. All the great spiritual leaders or cult authors tried to do it, some more successful than others I’m sure. Probably most people try to do it. Some die before they have the chance. I’ve been trying to find myself since I was 12, since I first came to accept that the god I had been worshipping most of my life was a fairytale like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. If there’s no God, what was life all about? It was cliche but it’s haunted me for a while.
I often think about death and dying, and not in some morbid existential depressing sort of way, mostly just out of a strange curiosity, or maybe fear. I’m not really afraid of dying, I am really just afraid of leaving before I have the chance to find myself. I image it’s like the ultimiate “feeling like you’re forgetting something”. Everyone knows that feeling. I dread I’ll die feeling like that.
First posts on blogs like this always sound sort of awkward to me. I don’t want to introduce myself as “Samantha, the lost girl” . But I guess I sort of just did.
Anyways, I want this blog to be a story. A story of my personal path to enlightenment, or myself, or my journey to wherever it is that I end up.